Hurt
by BonneyQ
Summary: One moment he was punching the man that made him lose the most important person in his life, and the other he was in so much pain that it was the only thing connecting him to earth. [Spoilers from chapter 499 until 501]


**AN:** Okay, I think it's time for a reunion fic, since we didn't get it this week with the manga according to the spoilers. ;) And I needed some Emo!Gray.

To boost the feels, listen up **Christina Aguilera** 's song with the same title as the story. Trust me.

 **#**

 **Hurt**

 **#**

 _"Seems like it was yesterday  
When I saw your face  
You told me how proud you were  
But I walked away  
If only I knew  
What I know today"_

 **#**

Gray's world was in utter chaos, falling apart in every direction he looked.

One moment he was punching the man that made him lose the most important person in his life, and the other he was in so much pain that it was the only thing connecting him to earth. That he knew; he knew unbearable pain, he knew loss, he knew how it was to be lost, to have no ground underneath his feet and to see no light at the end of the tunnel.

He always thought he would never go through that again, not to that extent, not after his parents and his master. He was _so careful_ , he tried _so hard_ to not care, to not _feel_.

But then, _she_ appeared; bringing the rain and then the freaking sun into his cold life.

There was no other definition for Juvia Lockser, really. She was the most intense person Gray knew and looking at her was as if looking to the sun itself. Everything she did was for the sake of her friends, for _his_ sake…

Gray put a hand over his chest and he cried harder – _had he even stopped since she…?_ – and the thought of what had happened just a few minutes before literally hurt him. His heart seemed as if it was being ripped into pieces, as if there was a knife twisting in his gut, he felt sick, he felt like just lying on the ground and cry.

Invel, the bastard, was still alive, but unconscious, only because of Juvia as ironic as it was. Only Juvia's memory was able to stop Gray from ending his miserable life; she was so good she would hate to had been the reason someone died, especially in revenge.

And Gray could _never_ betray her like that, _taint_ her that way.

No, he couldn't kill Invel, he couldn't follow her, not when she had used her last strength to keep him alive and he just couldn't think about what to do next. Not when his goal to destroy E.N.D meant fighting his best friend, if Invel's words were true.

Gray was _so tired_. So freaking tired of being cursed to find a short time of happiness and then utter misery. He had moved on the best he could when his parents died, but a piece of him never healed. The moment Ur performed Iced Shell to save his soul, even if by doing that she took a piece of it with her. Seeing his father again and then losing him took something from Gray he didn't even know he had.

But seeing Juvia die…

…there was nothing else inside him, not really. He felt like a shell, like he was watching himself from outside his body.

"You should've let me go with you." He whispered and Gray's hand turned into a fist over his left chest. "I'm so tired, Juvia. So tired." Gray sobbed and closed his eyes. "I'm tired to be left behind."

Inside his mind, he could see Juvia perfectly with her dark blue dress, hair falling in waves over her shoulder. She gasped and put a hand over her mouth. _"Juvia would never leave Gray-sama by choice! Gray-sama knows that!"_

"It wasn't your choice to make." Gray dried his tears, but made no difference, and still had his eyes closed. "It was mine and I would've never chosen..."

 _"Juvia would never let anything happen to Gray-sama."_ She tilted her head to the side and her bangs moved, her blue eyes so honest and filled with love his heart ached even more. _"All Juvia wants is to protect Gray-sama."_

Gray shook his head. "Not with this price." In his mind, Juvia was stepping closer to him. "I just figured it out."

Juvia's blue eyes softened. _"I know."_

"I just… I made-up my mind, I prepared my answer and you…" His voice broke.

 _"I know."_ She put her hand on his cheek and Gray leaned on it even if it was only in his imagination.

"You don't know because I never told you."

She chuckled lightly. _"If Juvia only listened to your words, Gray-sama, Juvia would've given up on you a long time ago."_

"You should've given up."

 _"Never."_ Juvia's bright smile hurt him and healed him at the same time. His feelings were so conflicted; it hurt to think about her, but if he didn't, it would hurt more.

That would be his life now, huh? Pain and hurt and regrets all the time?

"I should've…" Gray tried to find the right words. "I should've… earlier…"

 _"Don't do that."_ She told him softly. _"You couldn't have possibly known what would happen."_

He snorted a painful laughter. "I knew it was dangerous, but I let it…"

 _"You didn't '_ let' _anything."_ Her voice was strong. _"Juvia fought her way in and don't you play that down. It wasn't a choice; it was what it needed to happen and Juvia regrets nothing."_

"Of course you don't." Gray shook his head. "You did everything you could. I didn't."

Juvia stepped away from him and he missed her hand on him, even if it was only his imagination. _"Then do everything you can next time."_

"There won't be a next time." Gray said with certainty. "This was it and I missed it."

She was fading, but he could see her smile. _"Sometimes you get a second chance, Gray-sama. But whatever happens, Juvia will always be with you."_

Gray opened his eyes and he was back to reality, regretfully. "You won't be, not like I want you to."

 **#**

 _"I would hold you in my arms  
I would take the pain away  
Thank you for all you've done  
Forgive all your mistakes  
There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To hear your voice again  
Sometimes I wanna call you  
But I know you won't be there"_

 **#**

His conscience had turned to Juvia, apparently.

Was it too weird of him that his talk with his made-up Juvia inside his mind, helped him? Even after she was no longer alive, she kept helping him. Gray knew that every time he saw her inside his mind, it would hurt him.

Perhaps it was what he was meant to feel, perhaps it was his prerogative.

He looked down to the unconscious form of Invel and the urge to kill him came once again, but Gray pushed it away. He needed to make up his mind, he needed to form a plan, he needed information but all he wanted to do was to lie on the ground and just… wait. For what, he had no idea and he didn't care. He just wanted a second to breathe, to think, to grieve, to break something and to let his anger out; only punching Invel wasn't good enough.

Nothing would be good enough.

So, he focused on the only thing he could to not go insane: what to do about Natsu. If he focused all his anger towards finding out about that, perhaps he could actually do something other than to curl in a ball and cry. For that to happen, he couldn't have Juvia there.

"Gray-sama!" The familiar voice sent pain all over his body, his gut twisted. He tried to will her away for just a few minutes so he could let the steam out. "Gray-sama!" It sounded again, closer that time.

"No, _please_. We just talked." He shook his head. "Juvia, please don't try to talk me out of this. I need to… I am _angry_ , I _need_ to be angry and I don't want you to see this because it will get ugly."

"Oh, Gray-sama, Juvia was so worried." He turned to the source of the voice and saw Juvia approaching, as he thought, but she wasn't wearing her impeccable clothes like she was earlier inside his mind. Her hair was a mess, she was dirty, beaten up and her clothes were in rags. "Who were you talking to?" She looked around.

"You." Gray told her and Juvia frowned.

"Gray-sama?" She was confused.

"A few minutes ago, remember? In here." He waved towards his temple. "You looked different, though. Now you look exactly like when…" He felt a lump form in his throat. "Shit, even my mind is torturing me now."

"What are you-?" Juvia stepped closer to him and put a hand on his arm and Gray snorted loudly.

"It even feels realer now." Gray shook his head. "Damn it, I can't keep hallucinating if I need to figure out what to do about Natsu."

"Hallucinating?" Juvia asked. "And what's wrong with Natsu-san?"

"You know all this Juvia." Gray took a step away from her. "You have to go now, I need to think of a plan and I can't if you are here because it freaking hurts and there's so much I can take. You already made me feel less crappy, as much as it is possible when everything inside me hurts, so I can at least focus on this war. Later I'll want to feel miserable and you'll come out, I guess, to help out."

"You are worrying me, Gray-sama." Juvia looked at him and she gasped when she saw his hands, swollen and with bruises. She took his hands on hers. "What happened? You need to have this cleaned up!" She looked over her shoulder. "Wendy-san is coming; she'll take a look."

"Why would Wendy be inside my mind?" Gray asked, confused.

Juvia looked exasperated. "You are making no sense, Gray-sama. _None at all._ Did you hit your head?"

"I wish." He said and heard footsteps. He looked up and saw Wendy and Charle, who had an amused expression.

"For someone who almost died, you sure are fast, Juvia." The Exceed smirked and looked in Gray's direction. "I said I saw you around this area and she ran."

"Wendy-san, Gray-sama's hands are hurt." Juvia informed the Dragonslayer. "And Juvia's magic was very rough around the edges, perhaps looking at the damage would be good."

"Of course, Juvia-san." Wendy smiled sweetly and stepped closer to Gray, eyeing his new scar. "Gray-san, how do you feel?"

The Ice Mage was frowning and starting to understand Wendy and Charle were actually there. "I'm… fine." He looked down to Wendy's hand when they touched his scar and her hand glowed. "What are you doing here-?"

"I saw Juvia's death. Wendy and I had to run, but we got there in time to save her." Charle told him and Juvia nodded.

He shook his head, eyes stinging once again. "Juvia died. I saw it."

Juvia exchanged a look with a very worried Wendy. "Gray-sama, Juvia is right here."

"No." He looked at her, feeling pain in each cell of his body because her blue eyes looked so real. "I felt your heart stop beating, I saw the blood, I… felt life leave you, I held your body. You are in my head now, please don't trick me, Juvia, it hurts."

"Gray-san, Juvia is really alive." Wendy told him softly. "I was able to heal her." Even so, Gray shook his head. "I think he is hallucinating because of his blood loss. Even if you gave him yours, it's still less than ideal. I need to do the same to him as I did you, Juvia-san, and accelerate his production of blood."

"Please, do." Juvia asked and her attention returned to the Ice Mage. "Gray-sama, you were hallucinating but not anymore. Juvia is right here." He shook his head and Juvia didn't know what to do to make him believe her, so she took his hand on hers. "Gray-sama, look at me." He did as asked. "Juvia is fine."

 **#**

 _"Would you tell me I was wrong?  
Would you help me understand?  
Are you looking down upon me?  
Are you proud of who I am?  
There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To have just one more chance  
To look into your eyes  
And see you are looking back"_

 **#**

"I saw you die." He told her in a whisper.

"I know." Juvia put his hand over her chest right above her heart. "But Juvia is right here, not dead. Can you feel Juvia's heart? It stopped beating, yes, but now it's beating again and much stronger than before, Gray-sama." Her eyes watered. "You know why it beats stronger now more than ever, don't you?" She asked him. " _Don't you?_ " She asked again and he nodded, feeling the steady beat of her heart underneath his palm. "Juvia is alive. Believe me."

Gray's mind seemed to work properly again as Wendy magic seemed to work and his mind was less foggy and he could see the difference between the Juvia he saw earlier and the one standing next to him. For once, the one inside his mind looked flawless and perfect, smiling like an angel, while the Juvia who had his hand feeling her heartbeats looked as if she had been through hell and back, she was tearing up, had bags under her eyes, her whole face was dirty and there were trails of tears on her cheeks from earlier.

What really made a difference to Gray, though, was to feel how warm she was. The Juvia from earlier, he could feel her touch, but not her warmth, and unless his mind was paying a very shitty prank on him… she was really there.

But she couldn't. Could she?

"Juvia?" Her name came out as a broken whisper.

The blunette smiled and her eyes were shining with unshed tears. "Yes, Gray-sama."

It felt as if someone had punched Gray on the stomach, because suddenly all the air that were inside his lungs, seemed to have been forced out and he started to pant painfully. Before he could worry her, his arms were around her frame, bringing her as close to him as he possibly could and her warmth was the best thing he ever felt in his life.

"You…" Gray panted, tightening his arms around her and he felt hers do the same around his torso. "How…? Why…?" He tried to ask, a million thoughts running through his mind and he couldn't vocalize a single one of them. "Oh, god. You are…" He hid his face on her shoulder, asking for it not to be a dream. "I'm sorry. I… Shit, you are _here_. Alive."

"Alive." She told him quietly and gently caressed his back with one hand while the other caressed his hair for a minute while he tried to understand what had happened in the last few minutes.

"You died." He moved his head from the juncture of her neck to look at her and he didn't even care he was crying again and that Wendy (who had stepped aside to give them privacy) and Charle were just a few feet away. "You _died_." It was all he managed to say in a very accusatory way.

"I'm sorry." Juvia said, honestly.

"You can't… This… You are not…" He tried to, but couldn't decide on what he wanted to tell her and it took him a couple of seconds to organize his thoughts. "Don't you _ever_ do that again."

"Juvia's fine now, Gra-"

" _Never again_." He told her, his eyes tearful. "I can't do this again. I can't lose people I love again and if I have to see you…" The Ice Mage gulped. "If I get you back and you die again, I can't…"

"Juvia's going nowhere." She told him in a whisper.

"I don't care where it is; wherever _you_ go, _I_ go." He informed her, leaving no room for arguments, and if possible he brought her even closer to him. "Together or not at all, do you understand me?"

Juvia smiled softly at him and nodded. "I do."

"Good." He sighed in relief and rested his forehead on hers, just like he had done a few minutes before, but then he was begging for her to be back and now she was and he couldn't be happier, or feel more relieved.

She was alive and it was all that mattered.

It probably went on for a while until Wendy's soft voice brought them back to reality. "Erm… I really should finish healing Gray-san…"

Gray opened his eyes and surprisingly didn't push Juvia away as he would've done before. Instead, he looked into Juvia's eyes. "I need to make sure you know." He told her and Juvia knew instantly what he was talking about.

"I wasn't sure." She bit her lower lip. "Hopeful, but unsure."

"You don't need to be unsure anymore." Gray whispered to her and her eyes widened in surprise. She blinked a couple of times before her cheeks became a light shade of pink and she nodded.

"Okay." She muttered and he could feel her heart beating faster and it was the best feeling in the world because it meant she was alive.

Gray regrettably had to let her go and he didn't even care the obvious smirk Charle had on, of that even Wendy was blushing. The Juvia that appeared inside his mind said that sometimes people got second chances and he had to do better.

He would do better.

Gray was going to find a way to work things out about Natsu and E.N.D and once that was done, he was going to say it for real to Juvia and not just ask if she knew. He would keep her away from danger until then; there was no way he was going through that hell again.

"Leave the scar, Wendy." Gray told the young healer and the three female looked at him in question. "This one I need for it to be on the outside." Juvia's eyes lit up as she understood the meaning of his words – he had told her about his scars during their six months living together and she smiled softly his way.

He would do things right now.

 **#**

 _"If I had just one more day  
I would tell you how much that  
I've missed you since you've been away  
Ooh ooh, It's dangerous  
It's so out of line to try and turn back time"_

 **#**

 **AN:** So, no, I don't think things will go like this with Gray talking to Juvia inside his head, but I do believe we are getting at least a very surprised Gray looking stupid and then a very heartfelt hug. If I'm being veeeeeery hopeful (which I am not because I am lowering the expectations as much as I can) maybe a spoken answer? Or a kiss. Okay, Bonney, now lower your expectations. HAHA

What did you guys think? :) Thanks for reading!

09/16/2016 ~ **BonneyQ**


End file.
